Wrap your arms around this everlasting kiss

Hugs. This has come up a lot over the past year or so and I keep meaning to write about it so now I am. I get asked at least a few times a month why I don't hug people more often. I probably have overthought this because that's what I do. I try to err on the side of caution. I'm always open to hugs, hugs are wonderful, even necessary, and there are a handful of people with whom I've an established pattern of hugging such that it would be more strange for me to not hug them. But I very rarely initiate hugs because I don't know the state of mind of the person I'm greeting and don't want to impose an action on them they don't really want. I'm never sure if it's welcome or wanted. Even the act of asking is loaded, it is awkward for them to respond 'no' even if they have a really good reason. Here's a hint: Any damn reason, or no reason at all, that they have for saying 'no' is a really good reason, it's their body.

In my social circles there are a lot of performers, a lot of people who are constantly bombarded with people wanting contact, connection with them. We socialize women to not say no, to be accommodating and passive, and surrender their agency. In this context it's overwhelmingly men who are demanding physical contact, but I've certainly seen plenty of women doing the same and I've seen men being pawed at and objectified as well, for the sake of readability I will stick to the most common scenario. After a show, during intermission, even at events unrelated to shows they are performing in, total strangers or casual acquaintances will approach and demand physical contact. The performers don't want to make a scene, don't want to make someone feel bad, and so they grin and bear it. I've heard hundreds of stories from women, men,and transgender people, about unwanted contact, creepy behavior, and keeping their mouths shut about it at the time. Just because it's someone they know socially and have even hung out with on occasion doesn't automatically mean they are comfortable hugging this person every time they see them.

So what? It's just a hug, what's the big deal. Touching someone intentionally without their express consent is not OK. So for me I choose not to even when I really want to, even when I'm at a point in my day/week/whatever where I really need a hug. My wants do not supercede someone else's agency. So that's why I don't hug more.

Yes, of course if someone is about to step in front of a moving train or some such you can grab them and pull them back, don't be absurd.